My “Why”

Why do you get up in the morning and why should anyone care? This is a tough question to answer any time, but ask someone with depression and anxiety and it can send them into a tailspin. The school at which I teach asked all educators to answer this question and hang this–our “why”–by our door. Until recently, I felt a huge slice of the pie chart of my life revolved around being an educator. If anyone asked me to tell about myself, my answer was always “wife-mom-teacher” with what felt like almost equal weight to each title. Then…

Then I got the answer to the other big question of my life: If everything happens for a reason, why do I have depression and anxiety so freaking badly?! The answer seems to be to help my son, currently eight years old, with his mental health issues. When our mornings were filled with suicide threats and screams of monsters and shadows coming for him, I knew I could not be both the mom he needed and deserved and the educator my learners at school needed and deserved. While I never had considered homeschooling before the development of these issues, it quickly became the most logical choice for our family. The letter saying we were breaking the law because of all the school he missed and that we’d need to go to attendance court was the cherry on top of my anxiety sundae. So, I took a leave of absence from school starting in early March and started spending all. the. days. with my son. Slowly, things are starting to get better. We continue with therapies and finally got him started on medication. He has moved on to third grade curriculum and learned some extra stuff like how to play chess (he’s scary good).

He wants to go back to school this fall. I want him to go back to school this fall. But that’s where my fear kicks in: What if things go wrong? What if we need to go back to homeschooling? I am scared to death to sign a contract for next year not knowing what his needs will be. On top of that, I feel like I’ve let my co-workers down so much this year that I don’t deserve to go back. I’m sure they hate me–and they should. I’ve truly let everyone down. My own anxiety and depression have really ramped up over the past few months, and I’ve never really bounced back after a particularly rough patch about a year ago. These days I accomplish very little other than teaching my kiddo. I spend most hours of the day in bed, either sleeping or worrying.

So, what is my “why” in starting this blog and YouTube channel? Why should anyone care if get out of bed in the morning?

Because of the hope I want to share with you. Because every day you and I wake up breathing there is hope for a better tomorrow, a better afternoon, a better morning, a better minute. Join me for little things that can help you and me get through the day…or survive a few minutes at least. Let’s do little things together to take care of ourselves even when we don’t feel like it or feel like we deserve it. I’m going to be raw, and I’m going to be real, and hopefully sometimes I’ll be funny, too. I’m going to be myself–mental health issues, messy house, messy ponytail, and all.

Thanks for joining me on this journey, and for coming with as we find hope in the little things.