Mother’s Day is a very weird holiday for me. I love being able to share it with my boys. Even though they are getting older, I still treasure the homemade cards they make me, filled with little drawings of them doing household chores they’ll never do in real life. This year they showered me with gifts including breakfast in bed, fancy cupcakes, a Schitt’s Creek mug and sticker, and a towel that says “I freaking love cats!” I also got time to watch the last few episodes of Schitt’s Creek I hadn’t seen yet, and now I’ve finally stopped crying and mumbling about how David and Patrick are my favorite couple in the history of forever.
After breakfast and gift opening, my husband asked if I wanted to go to the cemetery to “visit” my mom. I answered, “I don’t know.” Here I sit, several hours later, and still don’t know. I hate going to the cemetery. I wear a bracelet with some of her ashes in it everyday so I don’t necessarily feel any closer to her when there’s just more of her ashes in a box under my feet. I want to go to her house with a cake the boys decorated and eat grilled brats from the 100-pack she got on sale at Sam’s Club and give her a huge hug and a mushy card I got at Dollar Tree. I don’t want to look at her name on a gravestone with her date of death now over a decade in the past.
The first few years after she died, I hated Mother’s Day. Then, I started to tolerate it. Now, I somewhat enjoy it again. I have my boys (husband and sons) to thank for that. They give me the perfect balance of love and space on that day. Actually, they do that every day. They are the reason I wake up every morning. In my darkest moments, it’s their love that shines the light to show me I’m needed. They make this mom feel special everyday…even if it’s just to tell me how great I happen to make their toast or how much I’m improving at playing Super Smash Bros. (reality: I’m not). Hopefully these are the happy memories they will carry of me when I won’t be there to celebrate with them on Mother’s Days…long into the future I hope.
So yes, I will find the “happy” on this day, on Mother’s Days, and in all the days. It’s what my mom would want for me and it’s definitely what I want for my boys. It’s what I want for all of you, too. Happy Today!