Depression & Grief

I am in a funk. I don’t want to do anything. I didn’t wake up today until after noon. I don’t feel any more depressed than “normal” (which actually hasn’t been that bad lately); I really just teeter between sad and numb from the grief over losing my grandma. There are so many things that need to be done, but here I sit in my bed, trying to distract my brain with solitaire and Yahtzee on my phone.

I should be doing dishes. I should be doing laundry. I should be grocery shopping. I should be doing…something…anything productive. But here I sit.

My mind volleys between “give yourself grace” and “get your butt moving.” But it doesn’t seem to matter if I’m easy or hard on myself—the result is the same. My memory tries to pull up what I’ve learned in therapy in the past: set a small, reachable goal; set a timer for ten minutes and do a chore until the buzzer dings; change out of my pjs. But my brain tells me I may as well decide to fly to the moon—that’s just as likely to get accomplished as the dishes.

I think what I’m realizing is that coping with depression and grief require two separate recipes. I don’t know why I previously concluded they were the same…maybe because they both consume your consciousness in the most painful of ways.

My grandma’s death happened without much time to mentally prepare. Her funeral was only five days ago; three weeks ago from right now she was sitting at home with Grandpa watching Jeopardy with the volume set to rival a jet engine.

I’ve had depression long enough to know how to manage it—medication, therapy, and a lot of grace—and know that it’s a long-term, brain chemistry issue. I haven’t had as much experience with grief—especially surprise grief—so I’m not as familiar (and even comfortable) in dealing with it.

And that’s ok. I know my sadness is a result of an amazing love I will always have for my grandma, whereas my depression is caused by my brain being a punk. I now recognize that there is a profound difference between the two.

So here I will sit. I will give myself grace. I will be ok with some dirty dishes and laundry. I will recognize that my grief is not the same as my depression, and know that it will subside in time. I will remember that deep grief is a result of deep love and a relationship I wouldn’t trade for anything.

I don’t have any amazing words of wisdom to share. I do want you to know that if you are experiencing grief—whether it’s from last week or the last century—you deserve grace and gentleness both from yourself and those around you. There is no “right” timeline for experiencing grief. It’s ok to feel like you’re in a funk.

Recognizing the value of the relationship and reframing your grief as a tribute to the person you lost doesn’t take away the pain, but can help you feel some comfort in such a difficult time. Keep holding onto the hope of a brighter tomorrow.